Preparing children for pornography

This post has been a long time in the making, and there has been a lot of thought and effort into it. Even if you don't read anything else, please read my last paragraph, and I hope you will understand the importance of supporting those around you in various capacities.

With how prevalent pornography is in our society, it's not a question of IF children will encounter pornography, but WHEN. Knowing that, I have been thinking and pondering how I can prepare Little Miss for that inevitable exposure. If you don't already know, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and I rely on my religion A LOT for direction. The following quote is one I found on the Church website that really sparked my desire to protect Little Miss:

"We must also act to protect those we love. Parents install alarms to warn if their household is threatened by smoke or carbon monoxide. We should also install protections against spiritual threats, protections like filters on Internet connections and locating access so others can see what is being viewed. And we should build the spiritual strength of our families by loving relationships, family prayer, and scripture study...

"Please heed these warnings. Let us all improve our personal behavior and redouble our efforts to protect our loved ones and our environment from the onslaught of pornography that threatens our spirituality, our marriages, and our children."

- Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles (accessed from lds.org and overcomingpornography.org)

Throughout my studying and pondering on how to combat the draw of pornography, I stumbled across this gem:

“Because pornography activates such strong emotions and reactions in the body, the brain remembers and recalls those types of images easier than other types of images it encounters… [pornography] ‘sticks’ because of (1) how the images are designed, (2) the sexual feelings and urges in our bodies that get triggered by pornography, and (3) how our brains work.”

- Dr. Jill C. Manning, author of What’s the Big Deal about Pornography (accessed through pornproofkids.com)

I thought my parents were very good at preparing my brothers and me for pornography by telling us to let them know if we saw pictures of anyone "not wearing enough clothes, because pornography can be found easily on the Internet," but I still remember the first (semi-)pornographic image I encountered online--I was in 4th grade, and it showed up in an orange ad banner on one of the game sites my brothers and I liked. I could go into graphic detail, but that's not my point, the point is, I still remember it, VIVIDLY, that was over a decade ago, and, while I was 10, I knew what I was looking at. Many children discover pornography by accident without any prior knowledge or understanding that pornography is bad. Can you imagine how well they remember it, and the feelings those photos are designed to trigger? How should I help Little Miss train her brain to forget such a memory? I want her to be ready to FORGET any pornographic images she sees.

I really appreciated the advice from pornproofkids.com and Kristen, the author of the blog. It has a very nice list of goals that I would like to teach:

1. My child will gain a positive view of human sexual intimacy.
2. My child will understand a basic definition of pornography that will allow him or her to recognize it and reject it immediately.
3. My child will know how I feel about pornography.
4. My child will gain a basic understanding of how their brain works, the difference between their feeling brain and their thinking brain, and why their thinking brain needs to stay in charge.
5. My child will understand how viewing pornography can become an addiction which can destroy their chances for freedom and happiness.
6. My child will be prepared with a plan and know what to do when exposed to pornography.
7. My child will feel comfortable talking to me about exposure to pornography.
   - Pornoculation: Where do I Begin

Here are my thoughts and suggestion on these goals:

1. TEACH children about sexuality and intimacy in appropriate ways throughout their life. No, I'm not recommending teaching a 3-year-old exactly what sex is; I think that would be wrong, but at age 3, most children are starting to learn about the differences between genders, or at least discovering their own genitals, and it's important to respond appropriately to those discoveries. 
   
   A good resource I found to help know age-appropriate ways to build relations with children, and teach intimacy is called A Parent's Guide, it's a little bit of an older resource, but I don't think that affects the quality of the material. Because it is a resource from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I especially like that it covers some of the WHYs for me (I was always that kid who asked "Why?" to everything, so I still like to be prepared with those answers when I can.) It also breaks down some of the things to expect and be able to teach into different age groups. My two favorite pieces of advice are "...if the child asks more, the parent answers more; if not, the parent does not. Some children will seek an explanation that includes conception and birth. Others will not." and "Ideally, you should use the first eight to twelve years of a child’s life to prepare him for his teenage years. If you wait until adolescence to teach your children about the changes of puberty and about intimate relationships, you may not be able to influence them as easily." Both of these quotes remind me of the importance of being open about intimacy with children, early enough to prepare them for the roller coaster of changes that accompany puberty, but without overwhelming them.
   
   If you would like more information on why and how to teach children about sexual intimacy, mormon.org has some very helpful videos.
2. I  don't know how many trainings I've been to that stress the importance of teaching children the proper terms for things: the most recent training I went to addressed potty training, and how important it was to expose children to the proper names of urine and bowel movement (or feces in one book), as well as the proper names for the anus and genitals. We were taught that it's OK to use "nicknames" such as pee, poo, etc. in day to day conversation, but to ensure the child learns the proper terms as well--especially for the genitals.
   
   If it's important to teach child the proper potty terms, I think it's just as important to be comfortable using the words "pornography" and "sex" in proper context. If you don't feel comfortable using the word pornography, it makes it really difficult to explain the WHY (see, there it is again) and provide children with the language necessary to properly reject pornography. Kristen provides 5 Tips Every Parent Should Know that is much more affective than I think I can be. However, I recommend you start small and work up to pornography by reminding children that there are private parts that should always be clothed, but sometimes photos/pictures on the Internet show those parts, and that is called pornography. I'm not sure how to help children practice recognizing "That's Pornography!" But I know if you can help your children recognize and reject the pictures as pornography, it will help them move on--at least it helped me as a kid. (Kristen's 3 Secrets to Porn-Immune Kids seems very useful for helping form "media defense skills")
3. I don't want talking about pornography to be taboo, but I also want it obvious that I disapprove of pornography. Maybe it's just me, but I'm afraid that if I talk about pornography without my expectations clearly stated, I may increase interest/curiosity. Regardless, I really like how Kristen phrases her reasoning for letting children know how you feel about pornography: "Begin young to teach your kids the truth about pornography. Teach them your values before popular culture teaches them something completely false." (accessed from pornproofkids.com)
   
   If you have a hard time figuring out how to talk to your children about pornography and your expectations about it, Kristen co-authored a book called Good Pictures, Bad Pictures to help provide easy to understand definitions and help with dialogue. I haven't read it yet, but it has GLOWING reviews on Amazon and I plan to purchase it in the near future. (No, I haven't received any compensation for saying that.)
4. Kristen phrased this better than I ever could for addressing children, so I will just summarize and share a link to her post: You Have Two Brains. She explains the very basic differences between the "thinking" portion of the brain and the "feeling" portion of the brain. She calls them 2 brains, I think, to make it more interesting for children. She also emphasizes that pornography affects the "feeling" portion of the brain, which controls all of the appetites that keep you alive (hunger, thirst, and sexual/reproductive), and that pleasure is stored to eventually hijack the thinking brain--the portion of your brain that helps you decide right from wrong.
5. Because pornography triggers the pleasure center of the brain, the more often it is viewed, especially after negative emotions--boredom, loneliness, anger, stress and/or tiredness (BLAST)--neural pathways are created and strengthened to become an instinct and addiction.  The flow chart below explains the creation of addictions:
   

   

   Image Credit: pornproofkids.com

   
   

   
   

   
   If you would like a story that illustrates how addictions can lead to a loss of freedom, Kristen provides several in her post Freedom Begins in Your Brain, (and I probably have more from teaching preschool, if you really want.)
6. I know Karen lists the plan and having her children feel comfortable talking to as two separate bullets because our reaction as parents is important; however, I think an important part of the reaction plan should be telling us. Some of the solutions we've come up with include (but likely is not limited to) close your eyes and/or turn it off; tell a parent/adult; recognize it as pornography, and say it out loud; do something else distracting--especially something physical and mentally stimulating; consciously recognize the RIGHT time for those feelings is as a husband/wife in marriage (order the "thinking" brain to be in charge).

Asking questions the following questions can help children recognize and recover after an exposure to pornography: 1) How do your body feel? This acknowledges that pornography triggers sexual arousal and feels good physically. It also helps parents avoid shaming the child, which can prevent them reporting future incidents. 2) How do you feel emotionally? Many children report as feeling "yucky" after an exposure to pornography, and by recognizing the physical pleasure, but the emotional turmoil, parents are in a better position to explain the PROPER times for these feelings: between a husband and wife in marriage. (See Porn Aftermath for more details and suggestions.)

Elder M. Russel Ballard has created another list that I would like to share as well. I believe this is another, very inspired, list of advice to protect children and families from pornography, violence and other negative effects the media can have:

"Besides making our voices heard, let me conclude with seven things that every parent can do to minimize the negative effect media can have on our families:

1. We need to hold family councils and decide what our media standards are going to be.

2. We need to spend enough quality time with our children that we are consistently the main influence in their lives, not the media or any peer group.

3. We need to make good media choices ourselves and set good examples for our children.

4. We need to limit the amount of time our children watch TV or play video games or use the Internet each day. Virtual reality must not become their reality.

5. We need to use Internet filters and TV programming locks to prevent our children from “chancing upon” things they should not see.

6. We need to have TVs and computers in a much-used common room in the home, not in a bedroom or a private place.

7. We need to take time to watch appropriate media with our children and discuss with them how to make choices that will uplift and build rather than degrade and destroy.”
-Let Our Voices be Heard (accessed from overcomingpornography.org)

 I know that this is something important to address with our children and the upcoming generation. I wish I could protect all children (and adults, too) from pornography, but I know that isn't possible. Hopefully, though, I can at least help a few be more prepared to avoid the trap that pornography is. While I may not be an expert, and I have not taken the time to research and verify many of these statements, I know several people who have been affected by the pull of pornography. I know the pain it can cause in the lives of individuals and families. I have friends who's families have been torn apart primarily because of pornography. I know of boys who's lives will never be quite the same again, and I have seen some of the struggles that come from trying to overcome the deep, dark addiction that pornography can be. Please, if you take nothing else from this post, know that SOMEONE you know is struggling and needs the help you provide. If you are the one struggling, know there is help. I know Jesus Christ is my Savior and He's yours, too. There is nothing you can't come back from with His help. I'm not here to say it will be easy, but I do know it will be worth it. Turn to Him, use the resources he's provided, such as overcomingpornography.org, and find a support group near you. I have felt the Savior's healing power in my life, I know that He loves each and every one of us, and He truly weeps when we do. Even when we feel like no one understands what we're going through, He does. He has felt every pain, heartache, sickness, affliction and sin that we have, and HE HAS OVERCOME THEM ALL! His hand is always outstretched, all we need to do is take it, and He will lift our spirits and strengthen us to be able to overcome as well. This I know with all my heart, and I hope you will find this knowledge and the peace that you want and need, as well.

New Adventures and Insights

It's funny how life changes in a couple of months. I went from struggling to find things to motivate me, to staying busy and loving every minute of it.

The source of my busy-ness and joy: I recently started working as a private tutor. I currently tutor several different students in math, English/grammar and reading, and I have appointments Monday-Friday. It been great to get another opportunity to teach and help them thrive and excel. 

I've always enjoyed tutoring and teaching, but it never felt quite right to go into formal education/teaching. I've really enjoyed seeing the lightbulb/epiphany effect when students understand their subjects. Sometimes, it's hard when I just can't seem to help a concept stick, and it's a bit of an adventure with Little Miss tagging along and wanting to explore more, but it's nice to feel like I'm making a difference. 

I've also put more of a focus on helping Little Miss grow and develop--both physically and spiritually. We have started getting her new things, and she love blocks: the texture, taste trying to help me build a tower, knocking down my towers, and whatever it is, just the sheer joy of exploring. She also loves music and bangin away on the piano, and most recently stealing new food. She loves being with us for meals and snacks and will snatch food right out of our hands. 

One of the most rewarding things we've done recently initially started because I ran out of things to talk to her/myself about. (If you've had any experience with little ones, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.) I like talking to Little Miss for a variety of reasons, but it gets a little old to simply tell her I'm doing laundry (ALL THE TIME :P ) so I've started reading scriptures with/to her. Often that only lasts a verse or two, but that gives me something to talk about for a while, whether it be finishing the story or going into some of the doctrines/principles. It's been nice to be able to talk to her about the Gospel, and I think it's helped me feel closer to her, and build a stronger bond. What a wonderful daughter Mario and I have been blessed with, and even if sometimes I think she's being a stinker, she is a spirit daughter of God, who is gradually forgetting Him and her home in heaven, and it's my job to help her fill those gaps. And she definitely responds and understands the thoughts and stories I share. I just wish I was more consistent with these experiences. What a wonderful, strong spirit she brings to our family, and I haven't recognized it much before. 

I love her, and I want her growing up knowing that I know my Savior lives, and He suffered, died and was resurrected that we--each of us individually--may live again. I know that we were in His and our Father in Heaven's presences before this life, and if we do our best and rely on Christ we truly have the opportunity to return to Them after this life. I know that Joseph Smith saw the Father and the Son, and through Their guidance, he was able to restore the Gospel to the earth, just as it was when Christ was on the earth. And we still have a living prophet on the earth, President Thomas S. Monson, and if we listen to his counsel, and that of the other apostles, we will be led back to our home in heaven. 

I also want her to know that she can gain this same knowledge through the Spirit of  the Lord after personal prayer and study.  

6 Months as a Stay at Home Mom

Every child has their dream, their plan of what they want to be when they grow up. My dream career changed a little from day-to-day throughout my childhood, but a few things were always constant: I wanted to grow up, graduate with a  Bachelor's Degree, get married and raise a family. While I hope our small family will continue to grow, I am here. I've achieved my childhood dreams!

Now what? Where do I get my ambition from now? I have always had great drive to excel, to achieve great things to get me to this goal, but during this past 6 months, I have had to find other things to motivate me, and it's been one of the hardest things I've had to do. It may seem silly, but I never knew how much my desire to have a family motivated me to become who I am now. After Little Miss was born, I struggled to find things to provide that motivation. I have a tendency towards seasonal depression and baby blues, and a few weeks ago I was at a pretty low point. I sat down with my mind and heart open praying and asking for help. Here's what I learned:

I still have A LOT to learn!!!
Even though I am done with school (at least for now), there are so many things I WANT to still learn and do. I haven't learned something new each day, but I have worked on some skills and talents that I have wanted to improve. 

• I (try) to work on learning Japanese through a language program my dad gave me. 
• I have pulled out my DSLR camera Mario gave me as a gift last year, and I started taking an online photography course. 
• I have started to enjoy cooking! I have tried new recipes and ingredients that I'd never had before--like KALE so far this Spicy Italian Sausage recipe has been my favorite! 
• I have been working on various sewing projects! It's been great, since it's the first time I've finished a sewing project since Jr High.
• I even started piano lessons! 

HOBBIES, hobbies, hobbies! The best things about hobbies, they're fun AND flexible! If Little Miss is having a bad day, and I don't get to them, there's no reason to be guilty!

Know my limits!
There is always a constant list of things I want or need to do

• Scripture study
• Hobbies
• Dishes
• Laundry
• Bathroom
• Living room
• Vacuuming and deep cleaning
• and the list goes on

But no matter what, the most important thing during the day is that I be the mom Little Miss needs. Some days that's all I can do, and I'm learning to be ok with that.

Make a schedule
I think the hardest part of being a stay-at-home-mom for me has been the lack of time commitments in my life. I know this may be weird, but I miss being able to say "Busy" when asked about my day. Don't get me wrong, Little Miss definitely keeps me busy, but it's not the same. All my life, until now, I've ben an over-involved student, and that's when I have THRIVED! I knew I enjoyed the involvement, but I never realized A) how involved I was, and B) how much I truly enjoyed the involvement.

Now that I am done with school, with only limited commitment to others, I've started trying to plan my days to feel productive and "busy." I know we have been told repeatedly to slow down and relax, and I think I have. But I feel better about myself if I accomplish something.

Which leads me to
Acknowledge my accomplishments
Even as I try to prioritize, make a schedule and know my limits, I usually don't accomplish as many of the things I'm used to. While my accomplishments have changed, I'm still being a successful person. Now, I pat myself on my back when I'm able to finish laundry or dishes. I am excited when we go outside for a walk, or when we get together for various play-dates. I enjoy bringing friends food, and serving when I can.

The biggest surprise for me was how much of a hippie I really am. I prefer natural remedies, like herbs and essential oils. I have tried washing my hair with vinegar and baking soda--a bust, and after more research, it makes sense--and still the biggest surprise is that we use cloth diapers a vast majority of the time. and I made my own nursing pads. We still use "'sposies"when traveling for the convenience, but I got tired of literally throwing away money. The way we were able to do cloth diapers, they paid for themselves after 4 months.

It has been a hard 6 months, quite an adjustment, but I love being a mom! I have learned a lot about myself, and I think I've learned a lot about Little Miss. It's been wonderful to have this opportunity to spend time with my beautiful baby girl, and to see her grow and develop! It's also been an interesting opportunity for me to learn more about myself, and what makes me, me.

Thanks for humoring me by reading my thoughts and reflections!

Oh, and Little Miss has an interesting insight for you: ;pj0

Sacrament Meeting Talk 2/9/2014

Hello Brothers and Sisters! My name is Michaela, and this is my husband Mario and my daughter Little Miss. We moved into the ward two weeks ago, and we live in the Watts’ basement.

I grew up all over Utah Valley, but I consider Orem to be “home.” Mario grew up in Japan, but his family is now in Kaysville. We met at the student ward at Utah State University. I just finished my Bachelor’s degree in Outdoor Education. Mario came to USU on an Opera and Piano Performance scholarship, but, in his words, he “wanted a real major” and he changed his course a little to Mathematical Physics and Computational Economics.

When we met, I thought Mario was arrogant, and he thought I was an airhead; but the Lord had other plans for us, Mario accidentally proposed (don’t worry, I was expecting it eventually, he just proposed sooner than intended), and here we are today.

I’ll be honest; I wasn’t thrilled to be asked to speak this week. I get super nervous up here, especially in a new ward. There have been MANY other things I would have preferred spending my week doing, but I do want to thank the bishopric for the opportunity to study this topic, and be edified thereby.

I have been asked to speak on Proverbs 3:5 and 6—
“Trust in the Lord with all thy heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.”

My first thought when preparing a talk is always “what does this mean?” Elder Richard G Scott has said, “To trust means to obey willingly without knowing the end from the beginning. To produce fruit, your trust must be more powerful than your confidence in your own personal feelings and experience.” [October 1995]

For Mario and me, this has taken on a new meaning as we’ve been in the process of moving. We knew we were supposed to move in May after our contract ended, but were directed to start looking for housing sooner. As we looked, we came across Jordan’s post on campus. It was a great opportunity for an apartment that better fit our needs, and we both felt very strongly that we should take this opportunity, even though it would mean being responsible for selling our contract—a task that didn’t seem feasible. Fortunately, we followed the promptings we had received, and the Lord was able to take care of us. We have sold our contract, and we have felt very welcome in this ward. Each time we followed the counsel of the Holy Ghost, we were blessed, and we were able to accomplish so much more in this last 2 weeks than we thought possible.

I know that our Heavenly Father and Savior are able to see the eternal perspective, and we have such a limited perspective. When we truly “trust in the Lord, and lean not to our own understanding,” he will bless us and “direct our paths.” However, there is a caveat in verse 6: “in all thy ways acknowledge Him.” The footnote for “acknowledge” says “humility,” and we must remember that humility means more than simply recognizing the Lord’s hand in our lives through gratitude, it also means recognizing His will when we do not receive the answer we want.

Although our Savior truly desired to have the cup of the Atonement pass from Him, He truly accepted the Father’s will and plead, “Let Thy will be done.” We have been taught to follow His example and conclude our most heart-felt prayers with “let Thy will be done,” a phrase that will not change our Father’s will, but it will change our reactions to His decisions when truly expressed. [E. Scott, October 1995]

I have several friends and family members close to me who have been struggling with infertility, and each has offered some of their most sincere prayers on the matter. One friend related a story of how she and her husband have struggled to accept our Father’s will. She recently received a blessing where she was told she would “receive the desire of her heart,” but she also received the distinct impression that it would not be granted yet. As she has tried to consider what she can learn from the experience, and what she may need to change, she has realized that she needs and wants to remember the wonderful blessing she has been given of a loving husband, and strengthen their marriage until the time is right in the Lord’s eyes to bless her with the child she longs for.

This story is one of great strength to me. She remembered an important truth—one that I sometimes forget—even though we are promised, “ask and ye shall receive,” we will be blessed with what we NEED, not necessarily what we WANT.

Sometimes what we need is something different than what we want, and sometimes we will be blessed with what we want, but not WHEN we want it. Elder Neal A Maxwell has said, “Faith in the Lord includes faith in His timing.” [July 2002 Ensign]

According to Elder Scott, “we are like infants in our understanding of eternal matters and their impacts on us here in mortality.” [October 1995] The Savior has emphasized this truth in Isaiah
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways, saith the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts, your thoughts.”[Isaiah 55: 8-9]

Christ can see the eternal perspective; He and our Father want our eternal happiness more than we do, and They are able to see the past, present and future. They know our thoughts and our desires, and, most importantly, what we need. If we trust in Them, and pray with a sincere desire to know Their will for us, They will make Their will known, and enable us to have a more eternal perspective.

Elder David E Sorensen, a former member of the Presidency of the Seventy, recounted a story of when he was preparing for the Korean War. Rather than be drafted, he had chosen to enroll in the Army Reserve Officers’ Training Corps. Due to the draft, most young men weren’t able to serve missions; only one young man in each ward was allowed to serve, and his bishop felt that Elder Sorensen should be the missionary from their ward. Upon discussing with his parents and praying about the decision, Elder Sorensen made the choice to serve a mission, but because he left, his draft notice was delivered about a month before his mission release date, and he served as an enlisted man in the military. Even though he wasn’t able to serve as an officer like he wanted, Elder Sorenson had more positive experiences than he ever dreamed possible while in the military, and he gained the knowledge that “faith and obedience are the answers to our concerns, cares and suffering. Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is truly the power that can change our lives and lead us to salvation.” [April 2005]

Through each challenge, Elder Sorensen was blessed “after the trial[s] of his faith” and the blessings included increased enlightenment. Each of us are also entitled to an increase in capacity to know and understand our Father’s will as we constantly strive to acknowledge Him and accept His will. As we read our scriptures, pray and strive to become better, Elder Scott teaches that “[we] prepare [ourselves] for an eternity of glorious life with [our] loved ones who qualify for that kingdom.” [October 1995]

We must remember that sometimes challenges arise simply because our Father thinks we are ready to grow more. It is “the testing that a wise Father in Heaven determines is needed even when you are living a worthy, righteous life and are obedient to His commandments” [October 1995]

James 1: 3-4 states
“Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.
But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.”

Eventually, through the testing and trials we receive through mortality, we may become perfected gods and goddesses, knowing everything, wanting nothing. I wish to always remember this truth even in the throes of adversity, but sometimes the best I can do is hope.

Hope is one thing we always have. A scripture that has always strengthened me when I begin to falter is Doctrine and Covenants 6:36
“Look to me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.”

We must always remember the Lord, our Savior. Through Him, we need never fear—He knows our suffering, our pains, our hardships. He knows our joys and sorrows. He knows what we need before we ask, and He loves us enough not to give us everything we want. But most importantly, He gave His life for us, that through Him, we may be perfected, and as we rely on His Redeeming Power, He will be enabled to bless us when we need it most.

Trust in the Lord, “for we walk by faith, not by sight.” [2 Corinthians 5:7]

I know our Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ, love us infinitely. I know that They want us to be happy and return to Them.

I know that it has been through temptations and trials that Mario and I have become closer as a couple as we have relied on the Lord through these times.

As I’ve made a conscious effort to recognize the Lord’s hand in my life, I have not only seen the blessings He’s poured down upon me and my family, I have more easily recognized His Spirit leading and directing my paths and actions, and I know we can each become more capable to recognize the promptings of the Holy Ghost as we give Him heed.

I know that this is the Restored Gospel in the Last Dispensation; this truly is the “dispensation of the fullness of times.” I know that as a young boy, Joseph Smith prayed and saw The Father and the Son.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.