This post has been a long time in the making, and there has been a lot of thought and effort into it. Even if you don't read anything else, please read my last paragraph, and I hope you will understand the importance of supporting those around you in various capacities.
With how prevalent pornography is in our society, it's not a question of IF children will encounter pornography, but WHEN. Knowing that, I have been thinking and pondering how I can prepare Little Miss for that inevitable exposure. If you don't already know, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ
of Latter-day Saints, and I rely on my religion A LOT for direction. The following quote is one I found on the Church website that really sparked my desire to protect Little Miss:
"We
must also act to protect those we love. Parents install alarms to warn
if their household is threatened by smoke or carbon monoxide. We should
also install protections against spiritual threats, protections like
filters on Internet connections and locating access so others can see
what is being viewed. And we should build the spiritual strength of our
families by loving relationships, family prayer, and scripture study...
"Please
heed these warnings. Let us all improve our personal behavior and
redouble our efforts to protect our loved ones and our environment from
the onslaught of pornography that threatens our spirituality, our
marriages, and our children."
Throughout my studying and pondering on how to combat the draw of pornography, I stumbled across this gem:
“Because pornography activates such strong emotions and reactions in the
body, the brain remembers and recalls those types of images easier than
other types of images it encounters… [pornography] ‘sticks’ because of
(1) how the images are designed, (2) the sexual feelings and urges in
our bodies that get triggered by pornography, and (3) how our brains
work.”
- Dr. Jill C. Manning, author of What’s the Big Deal about Pornography (accessed through pornproofkids.com)
I thought my parents were very good at preparing my brothers and me for pornography by telling us to let them know if we saw pictures of anyone "not wearing enough clothes, because pornography can be found easily on the Internet," but I still remember the first (semi-)pornographic image I encountered online--I was in 4th grade, and it showed up in an orange ad banner on one of the game sites my brothers and I liked. I could go into graphic detail, but that's not my point, the point is, I still remember it, VIVIDLY, that was over a decade ago, and, while I was 10, I knew what I was looking at. Many children discover pornography by accident without any prior knowledge or understanding that pornography is bad. Can you imagine how well they remember it, and the feelings those photos are designed to trigger? How should I help Little Miss train her brain to forget such a memory? I want her to be ready to FORGET
any pornographic images she sees.
I really appreciated the advice from
pornproofkids.com and Kristen, the author of the blog. It has a very nice list of goals that I would like to teach:
- My child will gain a positive view of human sexual intimacy.
- My child will understand a basic definition of pornography that will allow him or her to recognize it and reject it immediately.
- My child will know how I feel about pornography.
- My child will gain a basic understanding of how their brain works, the difference between their feeling brain and their thinking brain, and why their thinking brain needs to stay in charge.
- My child will understand how viewing pornography can become an addiction which can destroy their chances for freedom and happiness.
- My child will be prepared with a plan and know what to do when exposed to pornography.
- My child will feel comfortable talking to me about exposure to pornography.
- Pornoculation: Where do I Begin
Here are my thoughts and suggestion on these goals:
- TEACH children about sexuality and intimacy in appropriate ways throughout their life. No, I'm not recommending teaching a 3-year-old exactly what sex is; I think that would be wrong, but at age 3, most children are starting to learn about the differences between genders, or at least discovering their own genitals, and it's important to respond appropriately to those discoveries.
A good resource I found to help know age-appropriate ways to build relations with children, and teach intimacy is called A Parent's Guide, it's a little bit of an older resource, but I don't think that affects the quality of the material. Because it is a resource from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I especially like that it covers some of the WHYs for me (I was always that kid who asked "Why?" to everything, so I still like to be prepared with those answers when I can.) It also breaks down some of the things to expect and be able to teach into different age groups. My two favorite pieces of advice are "...if the child asks more, the parent answers more; if not, the parent does
not. Some children will seek an explanation that includes conception and
birth. Others will not." and "Ideally, you should use the first eight to twelve years of a child’s
life to prepare him for his teenage years. If you wait until adolescence
to teach your children about the changes of puberty and about intimate
relationships, you may not be able to influence them as easily." Both of these quotes remind me of the importance of being open about intimacy with children, early enough to prepare them for the roller coaster of changes that accompany puberty, but without overwhelming them.
If you would like more information on why and how to teach children about sexual intimacy, mormon.org has some very helpful videos.
- I don't know how many trainings I've been to that stress the importance of teaching children the proper terms for things: the most recent training I went to addressed potty training, and how important it was to expose children to the proper names of urine and bowel movement (or feces in one book), as well as the proper names for the anus and genitals. We were taught that it's OK to use "nicknames" such as pee, poo, etc. in day to day conversation, but to ensure the child learns the proper terms as well--especially for the genitals.
If it's important to teach child the proper potty terms, I think it's just as important to be comfortable using the words "pornography" and "sex" in proper context. If you don't feel comfortable using the word pornography, it makes it really difficult to explain the WHY (see, there it is again) and provide children with the language necessary to properly reject pornography. Kristen provides 5 Tips Every Parent Should Know that is much more affective than I think I can be. However, I recommend you start small and work up to pornography by reminding children that there are private parts that should always be clothed, but sometimes photos/pictures on the Internet show those parts, and that is called pornography. I'm not sure how to help children practice recognizing "That's Pornography!" But I know if you can help your children recognize and reject the pictures as pornography, it will help them move on--at least it helped me as a kid. (Kristen's 3 Secrets to Porn-Immune Kids seems very useful for helping form "media defense skills")
- I don't want talking about pornography to be taboo, but I also want it obvious that I disapprove of pornography. Maybe it's just me, but I'm afraid that if I talk about pornography without my expectations clearly stated, I may increase interest/curiosity. Regardless, I really like how Kristen phrases her reasoning for letting children know how you feel about pornography: "Begin young to teach your kids the truth about pornography. Teach them your values before popular culture teaches them something completely false." (accessed from pornproofkids.com)
If you have a hard time figuring out how to talk to your children about pornography and your expectations about it, Kristen co-authored a book called Good Pictures, Bad Pictures to help provide easy to understand definitions and help with dialogue. I haven't read it yet, but it has GLOWING reviews on Amazon and I plan to purchase it in the near future. (No, I haven't received any compensation for saying that.)
- Kristen phrased this better than I ever could for addressing children, so I will just summarize and share a link to her post: You Have Two Brains. She explains the very basic differences between the "thinking" portion of the brain and the "feeling" portion of the brain. She calls them 2 brains, I think, to make it more interesting for children. She also emphasizes that pornography affects the "feeling" portion of the brain, which controls all of the appetites that keep you alive (hunger, thirst, and sexual/reproductive), and that pleasure is stored to eventually hijack the thinking brain--the portion of your brain that helps you decide right from wrong.
- Because pornography triggers the pleasure center of the brain, the more often it is viewed, especially after negative emotions--boredom, loneliness, anger, stress and/or tiredness (BLAST)--neural pathways are created and strengthened to become an instinct and addiction. The flow chart below explains the creation of addictions:
If you would like a story that illustrates how addictions can lead to a loss of freedom, Kristen provides several in her post Freedom Begins in Your Brain, (and I probably have more from teaching preschool, if you really want.)
- I know Karen lists the plan and having her children feel comfortable talking to as two separate bullets because our reaction as parents is important; however, I think an important part of the reaction plan should be telling us. Some of the solutions we've come up with include (but likely is not limited to) close your eyes and/or turn it off; tell a parent/adult; recognize it as pornography, and say it out loud; do something else distracting--especially something physical and mentally stimulating; consciously recognize the RIGHT time for those feelings is as a husband/wife in marriage (order the "thinking" brain to be in charge).
Asking questions the following questions can help children recognize and recover after an exposure to pornography: 1) How do your
body feel? This acknowledges that pornography triggers sexual arousal and feels good physically. It also helps parents avoid shaming the child, which can prevent them reporting future incidents. 2) How do you feel
emotionally? Many children report as feeling "yucky" after an exposure to pornography, and by recognizing the physical pleasure, but the emotional turmoil, parents are in a better position to explain the PROPER times for these feelings: between a husband and wife in marriage. (See
Porn Aftermath for more details and suggestions.)
Elder M. Russel Ballard has created another list that I would like to share as well. I believe this is another, very inspired, list of advice to protect children and families from pornography, violence and other negative effects the media can have:
"Besides making our voices heard, let me conclude with seven things
that every parent can do to minimize the negative effect media can have
on our families:
1. We need to hold family councils and decide what our media standards are going to be.
2. We need to spend enough quality time
with our children that we are consistently the main influence in their
lives, not the media or any peer group.
3. We need to make good media choices ourselves and set good examples for our children.
4. We need to limit the amount of time
our children watch TV or play video games or use the Internet each day.
Virtual reality must not become their reality.
5. We need to use Internet filters and
TV programming locks to prevent our children from “chancing upon” things
they should not see.
6. We need to have TVs and computers in a much-used common room in the home, not in a bedroom or a private place.
7. We need to take time to watch
appropriate media with our children and discuss with them how to make
choices that will uplift and build rather than degrade and destroy.”
-Let Our Voices be Heard
(accessed from overcomingpornography.org)
I know that this is something important to address with our children and the upcoming generation. I wish I could protect all children (and adults, too) from pornography, but I know that
isn't possible. Hopefully, though, I can at least help a few be more
prepared to avoid the trap that pornography is. While I may not be an expert, and I have not taken the time to research and verify many of these statements, I know several people who have been affected by the pull of pornography. I know the pain it can cause in the lives of individuals and families. I have friends who's families have been torn apart primarily because of pornography. I know of boys who's lives will never be quite the same again, and I have seen some of the struggles that come from trying to overcome the deep, dark addiction that pornography can be. Please, if you take nothing else from this post, know that SOMEONE you know is struggling and needs the help you provide. If you are the one struggling, know there is help. I know Jesus Christ is my Savior and He's yours, too. There is nothing you can't come back from with His help. I'm not here to say it will be easy, but I do know it will be worth it. Turn to Him, use the resources he's provided, such as
overcomingpornography.org, and find a support group near you. I have felt the Savior's healing power in my life, I know that He loves each and every one of us, and He truly weeps when we do. Even when we feel like no one understands what we're going through, He does. He has felt every pain, heartache, sickness, affliction and sin that we have, and HE HAS OVERCOME THEM ALL! His hand is always outstretched, all we need to do is take it, and He will lift our spirits and strengthen us to be able to overcome as well. This I know with all my heart, and I hope you will find this knowledge and the peace that you want and need, as well.
